Dating Coaches and Gurus Are, Were, and Always Will Be Scammers
Dear Readers,
I have a confession to make. I recently fell down down the dating coach labyrinth online wherein I watched videos upon videos trying to understand behavior based on dates I had been going to. I fixated on my phone listening to a wild variety of dating advice. To complement this, I also convinced my algorithm that I needed frequent tarot readings and astrological predictions. I had to, I had had enough of wildly unsuccessful (and unyielding) romantic endeavors this year. I could not handle another one. The online black holes of vague and misleading advice made me act and feel neurotic and I began acting out on a fresh new connection. So, I decided to give it all up — the tarot readings, the weekly predictions, and most importantly — the horrible vapid advice that I was taking from strangers on the internet.
It is absolutely astounding to me how a person with a Master’s degree in media design could fall prey for one of the cardinal rules of media literacy— not believing things that we see online. But it happened, and one single snapped connection is enough to make me come back to reality. Sleuthing through the pages of some of my old dating coaches online, I found several victims in the comment sections. Victims who were potentially in the same circumstance I was in. The tarot readings had people claiming its energy, as if it came through a screen. I saw a lot of hope, desire. I saw a lot of fear.
Dating is rough, especially today. A lot of us have gone through enough disappointment where we are unsure of trusting new connections. We are afraid of imagining a potential, and we fear what this new connection could bring. We begin searching for answers to make sure we are not making a mistake and I hate to be the bearer of bad news here. If you, like me, have looked for those answers online through dating coaches, you might be asking the wrong questions and looking to the wrong people for guidance.
The world is overflowing with books, articles, podcasts—an endless supply of dating advice, much of it confusing and contradictory. Coaches and gurus are constantly claiming to know the “right” way, to push their methods as if they hold the secret formula to finding love. As a lifelong skeptic navigating the often painful and always chaotic world of modern dating, I’ve done my share of research. In fact, in college, as part of my psych minor requirements, I studied the Psychology of Relationships for one semester. It was a fascinating class on relationship behaviors in a curriculum removed from pop-psychology and bit-sized advice. But here’s the kicker: even after hours of lectures, readings, and assignments, I didn’t walk away with clear answers. Leading psychologists debate what makes relationships work and what breaks them apart; the truth? there’s no universal science to predict relationship success.
It is not what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. The reality is, no matter how many blogs you read or coaches you follow, relationships don’t come with a rulebook and they do not follow a charted path. Every relationship is unique, shaped by the individual people in it. When you first start dating, it’s natural to want assurance—to sift through Reddit posts, read horoscopes, or pay for tarot readings hoping to find signs that things will work out. We turn to these predatory dating coaches online to confirm that we’re on the “right track.” Or whether we are making a mistake. But dating coaches don’t have the answers for your specific situation and are most likely preying on your insecurities for clout or money. You and your partner are unique individuals, forming a unique bond that can’t be boiled down to generic advice. When we’re anxious and craving certainty, that’s when we’re most vulnerable to people promising they can help us “succeed” in love.
But these people end up doing more harm than good both to the health of our relationships, and to our own mental health. At the end of the day, the only thing that truly reveals a person’s character is time. Constantly monitoring and looking for red flags, constantly looking for wats to capture their attention, and trying to decipher what their sentences mean is an exhausting activity. And it is futile — there is no meaning or end to such worry. Ever known lifelong friends who drifted apart after a major fallout? Or siblings who stopped speaking over family drama? Relationships are unpredictable, and the scary truth is that no dating coach, tarot reader, or “guru” can foresee if someone is truly meant to stay in your life.
Dating coach culture and dating advice online has become outrageous. In an era defined by increasingly volatile relationships, it is astonishing how confidently these coaches are touting their methods. Everybody has an opinion about what is ok and what is not. While it is certainly unhealthy for any new relationship to go under the scrutiny and standards of the online dating jungle, it goes beyond just making you confused. Some of the advice I see online dating advice seems to have harmful undercurrents.
I have a particular issue with coaches who help people “become their best self” for dating. There’s this popular mantra that you should be at your “best self” and in a “good place” before you should look for love. Let’s unpack that for a second here.
Think about your other relationships—your friends, family, even coworkers who’ve become close. Did you ever stop to consider your “place in life” before connecting with them? Relationships aren’t transactional, and the idea that you need to reach some mandated state of fulfillment before finding love is flawed. It is as if they are telling you that there some lack of wholeness in you that is preventing you from finding love. This narrative is pervasive, and untrue. If you want connection and are willing to commit, you don’t need to hold off until you’ve reached some predetermined level of “readiness.” You don’t need to be your best self before you can be ready for a relationship and as a constantly growing individual, I would imagine your best self will always keep shifting.
A lot of dating advice plays with people’s self esteem in such ways. As a woman I’m more aware of the advice given to young women as they approach relationships, and let’s just say it can be insulting and patronizing. So many “experts” still tell women how to “act” to attract a partner. Women are told to “play it cool” when disrespected or to be “low maintenance” to avoid scaring off a potential partner. I see so many women telling each other to act nonchalant in face of bad behavior. I want to challenge these narratives. If someone is treating you poorly, you have the right to call it out and set boundaries. Furthermore, there is a difference in acting nonchalant and being uncaring. A better piece of advice for women obsessing over inconsistent behavior from a potential romantic link could be to focus on another activity that they may have forsaken to pursue the connection. Just telling them to pretend they don’t care takes away from the authenticity of emotion. This twisted online advice encourages people to play games, making relationships feel like prizes to be won, rather than choices we consciously make.
Online platforms are not entirely bad when it comes to advice. Stories or advice encouraging women to stay safe especially when meeting people online can be useful. But a lot of my algorithm shows me viral videos or popular quotes that make me concerned. You don’t need a coach or guru to recognize when you’re being mistreated. Moreover, if you constantly look at relationships as prizes, you will never be able to stand up for yourself and advocate for your needs because “getting” or “keeping” them feels more important than fulfilling your needs. Authentic connections and meaningful partnerships are not built by you constantly thinking about how you must act to attract, or what you must say. That sentiment is completely dipped in misogyny. A lot of dating advice to women is.
It’s no surprise these narratives about “provider mentality” and “tradwives” are popping up as reactions to women’s growing independence. We see this from fairy tales to dating advice columns — society has long sold the fantasy of being “swept off your feet” by a prince. I see advice to women on how they are receivers, a statement that is rife with covert sexism. A lot of dating advice online encourages women to remain passive in an insidious manner.
I now think of my forays into the dating advice trap as such a waste of my time. I followed the “rules,” trusted the tarot cards, and even lost myself in Reddit threads, hoping for clarity and assurance that I was doing dating “right.” What did I actually find? That I’d become obsessed with validation, craving certainty in an area where there is none. So I stepped away and decided to chart my own course.
In today’s world, truth is difficult to find and lies are all around us. Online platforms manipulate us in almost constantly. In this, dating coaches are some of the most exploitative people I have come across, especially the ones on TikTok brainwashing young women and men making them believe that their approach to relationships is what is making them unsuccessful. It's not true. There is no formula. You can do everything wrong and end up with someone amazing. You can do everything right and end up with someone terrible. So what is the solution?
Firstly, we must all collectively ask ourselves why we want to build a relationship. For me, I would love someone who charts the course of my life with me— a friend and a companion in my journey as I am for them. But everyone has different needs. If you are only looking for a relationship because you feel like you should, because you have never been in one, or because you want to feel validated by knowing you are worthy of love, those might be things you’d want to truly consider. They might be adding to your despair.
And then, we need to be looking at relationships from a realistic standpoint and not considering it to be a prize. We are not in the process of “winning” partners, we are in the process of building lasting connections so we can share our lives. It is tantamount that the person you choose, fits into your existing life and your value systems, and doesn't take too much away from it.
Real relationships grow over time, shaped by real people who aren’t perfect. Coaches, guides, and “experts” can’t change that. The answers you’re looking for? They’re not in a book, a blog, or a session with a dating coach. They’re yours to discover, in your own time and on your own terms. In this process, hold on to your agency, realize your own needs, and trust that no matter what the outcome is, you are going to be okay. And remember this— dating coaches are, were, and always will be scammers.
Yours Truly,
Tinderella
